Dear New Mum

Dear new mum,

Congratulations! You have just made a human!

It's mad, isn't it? (I promise that thought doesn’t get any less weird…)

Firstly, well done. Well bloody done my friend. You have just been through something utterly, utterly remarkable. It is hard to put words to. You and your body are phenomenal.

So, how are you feeling? It’s not quite what you imagine, is it?

As time goes on, people will ask how your baby is more often than they ask how you are . It’s natural. But you will answer through gritted teeth, part of you wishing you could tell them that the inside of you is breaking with this newness.

It is likely that you are fluctuating between insane euphoria and bone-breaking exhaustion, with some guilt and waves of total incompetence thrown into the mix. But here’s the thing: it is normal not to feel OK right now. You will love your baby in a way that you didn’t think was possible, and yet…you won’t love every minute. In fact, you will really not enjoy quite a lot of these early days (and by the way, no one really enjoys the night feeds. We are not bats). There is NO shame in showing up sad, or shattered, or a little less than perfect.

My baby is now 6 months old, and I can't believe how tough those early weeks were (that Coldplay song was a broken record in my head: ‘No one ever said it would be so hard…’). I wrote about it here, when she was 2 weeks old. (If you read it, thank you. Especially if you're a mum- every spare minute is precious.)

I realise now that the reason no one tells you just how hard it is at the beginning, is because it DOES get better. These days are such a small part of your life with your child, and I think the excitement that follows erodes those early memories.

Unfortunately, for now your child is a pot plant. Not very romantic, and please don’t call social services on me, but it’s true. They need watering and protecting and a LOT of tender input, and you won’t get much back for a while. But soon you will my friend…and when they start to blossom, I promise you the current hormone-fuelled mess that is your body and heart will be long forgotten. And it will all be worth it.

Your baby will start to show little signs of independence each day- and as much as you might crave it now, it will be bittersweet. At the moment, you might feel like they are taking from you when you have nothing left to give. But one day (and it’s not that far away), you might miss the time when they needed you for everything. I do.

Have you heard of the 4th trimester? I hadn't until my baby was a few weeks old. Look it up (these poems and pictures here are just wonderful), and for heaven’s sake please BE KIND TO YOURSELF. The pressure is on from all sides, but taking it slow is no weakness. Someone told me new parents are the most sleep deprived people in the world! Imagine how much is being asked of you in this state? It is normal to feel like you’re totally losing the plot, and frankly a little bit gross (especially when people keep whipping their cameras out).

Lower your expectations, and shed the brave face: remember, you have just MADE A HUMAN. And you need time to heal. Keep those maternity trousers on - I am still wearing mine - and please try to rest when they rest.

Source: @m_melgrati

I will add something here that isn’t said too often: breastfeeding is so difficult. Decisions around feeding can be wrought with emotion and so personal, but if you are struggling to breast feed please don’t be hard on yourself. I confess I hadn’t given it much thought as my mind was full of labour worries, but I never knew it would be so tricky or so painful at the start. It is a total skill unto itself, and a 2-person dance. You are both learning, and I wish someone had told me that taking several weeks to figure it out is NORMAL. Get as much help as you can. Once the midwife discharges you around day 10, you do not suddenly become a wonder mum. Ask, ask, ask again if you need to. And that applies to everything you're unsure of. There is nothing to be gained by struggling alone.

There are also some weird things that come with joining the new mummy club: unsolicited advice and uninvited comparisons in particular. There will inevitably be a flyaway comment (or several) that hurts. Mummy guilt is very real, and I imagine it never goes away. But try to remember that every baby is different, times are always changing, and some mums also exaggerate. There is no right way and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. We should listen, and learn, and lift each other up…but the truth is that underneath it all, parenting is an amateur sport. Most of us are winging it, most of the time.

“It’s a phase”, is everyone’s favourite explanation. It can feel trite and frankly a bit unsatisfactory...but it’s true. These teeny tiny bundles are moving targets, and by the time you think you’ve figured out what’s wrong they change again. Don’t over analyse- remember, this too shall pass.

There will be days when all you need to hear is, "You’re doing a great job". And sometimes no one will be around to say it when you need to hear it most...so please take these words now and hold them in your heart: "You’re doing a great job". And if no one is checking in with you, reach out. There is nothing wrong with saying it's hard. It can be amazing but REALLY hard at the same time.

Please know that even, and especially, on the toughest of days you are the best mum for your baby. Your baby loves you and all your imperfections. To them you are not just good enough, you are the world. At times you'll say, "I just can't do this". But you're doing it, all the while. A strength is brewing inside you that you didn't know you had. And this 'Mummy Strength' is a different brand.

And finally, YOU matter. You are your baby’s mum, but that is not all you are. Figuring out this new identity will take time (I’m still not there- perhaps this is a lifelong journey too). But you didn’t stop being you when your baby arrived. And you need to look after yourself, nurture your passions, and maintain your friendships from the 'old life' too. Taking time to restore yourself is no weakness. It helps you to continue to show up and keep giving to your baby.

I’ll leave you with this quote from author Elizabeth Stone, which for me encapsulated both the beauty and the enormity of the journey we have started:

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Welcome to the heart-walking club.

You deserve to be here.

It is epic.

And you're going to absolutely smash it.