To the mums and dads at home...

Maybe like me, you’re waking up with a weird, empty feeling these days. I used to get up with a measure of excitement for the day ahead. I’d brush my teeth and think through the plan for the day: which group or class did we have on, who was visiting us that day, or who were we going out to meet.

When my little one was up, I would jabber on about our movements and whip open the chest of drawers, perhaps even giving some thought to her outfit: if my mum was visiting, which one of the many dresses she had gifted should we wear? If we were going swimming, which was the easiest one to get off quickly? At the end of the day I’d recount all the little adventures we’d been on to my husband...the walks in the park, coffees with mums, baby groups, and all sorts of classes.

Now the days are empty. Her best clothes are sitting neglected in the drawer. And the mummy guilt is kicking in like never before.

I’m realising now that all of that ‘busy-ness’ was just as much for me as it was for her. Because being at home with your baby all day is tiring. It’s fun, and they are amazing little creatures...but it is hard work. And for those of you with older children, and more than one...hats off to you. Because it is HARD. It probably feels like it’s been an eternity already.

So I’m writing this to say a few things to you all. Things I’m trying to tell myself all the time when that stupid ‘meta-mum’ voice kicks in in my head.

If your child is little, chances are they won’t remember this. If they’re older and they do, it’ll probably just be remembered as a time they had their parents (and maybe others) around more than ever before. Some days you might wonder how this new ’normal’ is going to affect them in the long run. It won’t. It’s a strange sort of season, but we will get past it. And they'll be the same on the other side.

If you’re worried about whether you’re doing enough with your baby or child at home: you are. I have to remind myself that my baby doesn’t really need all those activities we used to do, or other people. She needs me. And I’m here, a lot. So when the guilt creeps in about whether they should be learning Makaton or eating homemade vol-au-vents filled with avocado- stamp it out. You’re enough.

If you’re schooling your child at home and wondering whether they’re slipping behind...this is a question you can’t answer. You can’t recreate nursery or school. But they won’t suffer in the long run. You’ve already been teaching your child since they were born, so you have it in you. Working, parenting and teaching are 3 different jobs which you've now been asked to do simultaneously...you won't be able to excel at all of them. Frankly, if you do a little bit of each of those each day you’re winning. Do what works for your family, try not to compare yourself to others, and accept that some days it will all go down the pan.

Give yourself some space too. I quickly realised that interacting with her intently every minute is not going to work. And when I do stop, I’m resisting the urge to check the news. Reaching for my phone often leaves me with a lingering unease that is hard to shake off for several hours afterwards- it's not a break. This is a marathon, not a sprint. So if you notice certain habits aren’t particularly energising, now might be a good time to stop them.

Another thing...now isn't the time to sweat the small stuff. You might not be doing things in the way that you wanted for your child, but these are unprecedented times. I spent months keeping my baby away from screens, but I’m starting to realise that Zoom chat with my mummy friends or Face-timing my mum are things I need to keep Human Withdrawal Syndrome at bay. These things give me energy - and I’m a better mum for it.

It’s also OK not to feel chirpy ALL of the time. There have been tears (not just hers), and times when I want to punch a pillow to release an uneasy feeling of restlessness. There's something about bringing up a child that seems to bring out the best and worst in you, and it's magnified when you're confined to the petri-dish of a house for most of the day.

There have also been times when I’ve cowered in a corner of my mind, enveloped in the panic that is setting in. Questions start creeping into the vacuum….how long will this last? Will she be a different baby by the end of this? Will I be able to cope with the many weeks ahead alone at home?

It’s normal to feel scared- most of us haven’t been here before. I’ve realised one of the main reasons why I feel so uneasy is that I feel out of control. I think as parents we are used to having a handle on what life throws at us. And now we don’t.

But there are some things we can control: like our response to this. When I find myself wallowing in the general unease that seems to be settling everywhere, I’ve found the following things really helpful:

1. Checking in with someone. When things are getting on top of you, think about who else might be in need of a virtual hug and check in with them. It will also remind you that you’re not alone in grappling with this general weirdness. 2. Gratitude. This sounds clichéd I know, but adopting an appreciative mindset has helped me a lot. Every day before bed I write down or talk about some of the good things that have happened that day. It can be as simple as a funny moment with your child, or appreciating the fact that your bins were emptied (I have never been so thankful to see the dustbin men!), or perhaps new lessons we are learning (my husband reminded me that I’m now learning what it feels like to be an introvert!). 3. Journal. I love to write so maybe this is easier for me, but if I need to get out of my head a bit, I find jotting down some simple narration of what’s going on hugely helpful. If nothing else, it forces me to slow down and I feel like it’s creating something to show my child when she’s learning about this in history lessons one day (that’s a weird thought isn’t it?). 4. Let go of expectations. I’m learning (slowly) to hold my expectations loosely. Sometimes I think being at home means it’s time for me to do the things everyone else seems to be, like cleaning the gutters or perfecting the plank. My husband is constantly reminding me that I just need to survive this. And if my baby emerges unscathed at the other end, that will be a job really well done. Even if our living room looks like the Early Learning Centre with a cracker infestation.

Finally, I just want to remind you that you’re not alone. When I think about this invisible thing that's connecting us like nothing I've ever experienced, the world feels infinitesimally large. Other days, when I'm waving at the delivery man through the window whilst bouncing a squirming baby on my hip, it feels like it's shrunk and the walls are caving in. But at any time of day, there are many other parents at home losing the plot or feeling anxious about how they’ll cope in the weeks ahead. We will all get through this, together.

And there are silver linings.

Your child is perhaps getting more time with you than they have for a long time, and ever will again. I find myself marvelling at the subtle daily progressions in her development with a new level of appreciation that some things- like the growth of a child- are still carrying on unhindered. We’ve been given the opportunity to be still and present with our families like never before. Our children (and us) are receiving lessons in tolerating boredom, which, in an age where there is always a screen at our fingertips, feels unusual and important.

There'll be things at the end of this that we will savour like never before: hugs with our own parents perhaps, the shrieks of children in the carnage of soft play, or dragging them around supermarkets as they lick the trolley handle.

But a year from now I think I’ll look back at this time and remember the closeness of our family with a strange type of fondness. A push to slow down might be something we yearn for when the pace picks up again. An emptier diary might be something we crave when this all becomes a distant memory, and we're back to filling our weekends when we’d really rather be at home. There may be some bits of this new family routine we’ll want to keep hold of when this is over.

So if you’re a mum or dad at home, and you’re worried about the weeks ahead...so am I.

But hang in there, you’re doing just fine. So are your little ones.

And this too is just another phase.

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